2009

i have tried to think of where to begin this post. my heart and head beg me to type up the story of this year but my senses urge me not to. what sense would it do to walk strangers and friends through the specific events of my past year? this process seems extremely selfish and awkward. my story in a nut shell: struggles and sadness, a heart broken and a conscious faded, friends lost and love found again. many know the backlash of these emotions and the strange choices i decided would heal a sad, sad heart.
this year doesn't seem real.
and in a way, this has been the best year of my life.

i am thankful i was able to experience a sad heart. i was broken and angry and emotionless for so long that i needed to learn myself again. i needed to understand what my life had become and what i now had to do with it. i needed to understand what i wanted in life and to do things for myself. i spent way to long under a shadow that never really promised anything and starting over was a terrifying process.
i was insane. a love sick gremlin who did not give a shit. weeks and months passed and i felt nothing. i craved to even experience the sadness i felt before the nothingness- just so i could feel again.
this is a haunting realization. something needed to be changed. i craved the friendship of anyone, but one in particular. i threw myself into a collage of boozy nights and early mornings. my soul became tired.
through the help of budding and old friendships, beyonce's single ladies (but mostly a good friend singing single ladies in half tempo), and a comforting little cafe/bar and a thousand cigs later, my heart began to forget and forgive. i was thankful for the first time in a very long time. its a strange thing when you can actually feel your heart and mind healing. you wake up different. you sip your coffee in a new way. you approach situations with a new confidence.

its very easy to talk about my troubles and sadness for the past year because it happened to me. when you become the root of someone's sadness however, writing and acknowledging it become difficult.
I made a choice. my happiness over the happiness of someone else. i took the path i wanted and destroyed a friendship. never did i think i would be the one, that girl, to choose love over friendship. to put myself and my happiness in the place of someone else. to test my chances on him and most definitely lose her. i could and i did try to justify my decisions. i blamed my stupid sad heart over and over-but this is not a decision influenced from a sore past. its no one else decision but that of my own. i miss the friendship. as i sit here awkwardly writing, knowing she may read this, i miss her and my selfish eyes swell. but the bed has been layed out for far too long now.

i am not too sure how to end this because i still have one more day left of 2009. i am nervous for it and somewhat sad that this fucked up year is over and what the events of today and tonight could bring. i look back to how i started 2009 and how differently 2010 will be rung in. it's strange.