people always clap for the wrong things.

2009

i have tried to think of where to begin this post. my heart and head beg me to type up the story of this year but my senses urge me not to. what sense would it do to walk strangers and friends through the specific events of my past year? this process seems extremely selfish and awkward. my story in a nut shell: struggles and sadness, a heart broken and a conscious faded, friends lost and love found again. many know the backlash of these emotions and the strange choices i decided would heal a sad, sad heart.
this year doesn't seem real.
and in a way, this has been the best year of my life.

i am thankful i was able to experience a sad heart. i was broken and angry and emotionless for so long that i needed to learn myself again. i needed to understand what my life had become and what i now had to do with it. i needed to understand what i wanted in life and to do things for myself. i spent way to long under a shadow that never really promised anything and starting over was a terrifying process.
i was insane. a love sick gremlin who did not give a shit. weeks and months passed and i felt nothing. i craved to even experience the sadness i felt before the nothingness- just so i could feel again.
this is a haunting realization. something needed to be changed. i craved the friendship of anyone, but one in particular. i threw myself into a collage of boozy nights and early mornings. my soul became tired.
through the help of budding and old friendships, beyonce's single ladies (but mostly a good friend singing single ladies in half tempo), and a comforting little cafe/bar and a thousand cigs later, my heart began to forget and forgive. i was thankful for the first time in a very long time. its a strange thing when you can actually feel your heart and mind healing. you wake up different. you sip your coffee in a new way. you approach situations with a new confidence.

its very easy to talk about my troubles and sadness for the past year because it happened to me. when you become the root of someone's sadness however, writing and acknowledging it become difficult.
I made a choice. my happiness over the happiness of someone else. i took the path i wanted and destroyed a friendship. never did i think i would be the one, that girl, to choose love over friendship. to put myself and my happiness in the place of someone else. to test my chances on him and most definitely lose her. i could and i did try to justify my decisions. i blamed my stupid sad heart over and over-but this is not a decision influenced from a sore past. its no one else decision but that of my own. i miss the friendship. as i sit here awkwardly writing, knowing she may read this, i miss her and my selfish eyes swell. but the bed has been layed out for far too long now.

i am not too sure how to end this because i still have one more day left of 2009. i am nervous for it and somewhat sad that this fucked up year is over and what the events of today and tonight could bring. i look back to how i started 2009 and how differently 2010 will be rung in. it's strange.

your cage.

You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.
We all build cages for ourselves. Perhaps 'cage' is the wrong term to use. How about, comfortable little nests- that keep the real and the scary out. These come in many different forms; subjective to each person. I know I throw myself into a social collage of friends, partying, good times, smiles. This is my nest. Instead of dealing with the actual and all of these omnipresent realities looming over my head- I resort to leisure. I dont hide from the world but instead throw myself face first into it. But I am not dealing with anything. I am not staring at these realities in the eye. Instead I cloud them over and wait for the sun to shine through. Well, the sun hasn't shown in a while and I keep running into myself in the strangest of places.

hmm.

Kate Bosworth

I am totally, completely in love with this woman's fashion choices. clean, simple, easy breezy. effortless and cool. give me a white t-shirt, blazer and jeans and i'll be a happy duck.

This is for you Carly and for me i guess..

hello world! i have been toying with the idea of staring up one of these blogs for a while now. do i really need another social networking addiction? yes, of course i do. I am intrigued by the blogging world and also so intimidated! i feel like i have so much catching up to do! so many blogs to read. so many fashion blogs to study and so many cute boys and girls to creeeep onnnn! watch out blogger...




So I suppose i need to introduce myself to my 'followers' which are zero at this moment. I am meghan. i am currently 23 years of age. i work retail and bartend. i am in love with my friends- each and everyone of you. i am going back to school in the fall to teach myself how to manage events- art and cultural events.... plunging myself more into debt and more into stress and chaos. AWESOME!